tekgoblin

I did not cry when a disabled college student I was anonymously writing 80+ hours of Calculus notes for (it was a special university notetaking program) died from their illness. I did not go to the funeral. I did not cry when my foster grandmother of 15+ years died from a stroke, who I visited almost every Wednesday after leaving elementary school to play board games and learn American culture with.

I cried when the Berserk manga creator died ("We are not going to know what happens at the end of the story?!") and almost today when I found out Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn broke up.

Hey, Goblin. I was thinking about writing a deviant art blog post for this, but it happened too abruptly without a conclusion, so an abrupt comment may fit better: on November 28 at 1:11 p.m., my dog Cristo went out of his pet door and didn't come back. He usually takes 15 minutes to go out to explore the backyard, but it had been an hour. I went outside to look for him during the daytime, and I couldn't find him, even with the help of the neighbors. He pooped somewhere, but it didn't tell me which direction he went. I looked through any potholes and through the creek in the backyard, etc. I can't find him. He usually doesn't go far.

He had recently been diagnosed with kidney disease, so he was taking special kidney medication, and I was giving him claritin under vet orders for his allergies. He all of a sudden start to perk up a lot better. Then he disappeared. Some people told me an old dog like christo could go off and die on his own. That's actually a myth. Some cats who are sick and independent may do that because they need space, but many dogs who are sick and pack animals do not purposely go out and die out there. Perhaps they need some space, but their intention is usually not to die. If he went on an adventure because he felt better and got stuck, he might be nearby... And I need to find him! Yet I can't find him. I looked for so long through the night that my flashlight was freaking out the neighbors. I went back home.

I posted him lost on Facebook, pet harbor (animal shelter website), next door, home again, Ring, No kill shelter website. He has his phone number, name, and the fact that he's blind on his red collar. He is microchipped. If he did get picked up by a good samaritan, they would have called by now. If he was taken to a vet or a clinic, they would have scanned the microchip and been able to contact me.

In some horror movies, the mom and dad are thinking that their son is kidnapped or possessed by a ghost and they may go the supernatural route, but in reality, the son just fell in the basement and died there for the whole movie. I feel like Cristo is close by, but I cannot find him. It's been 48 hours. They say that when you lose an old dog, the best therapy for is to get a puppy. So while you're helping the puppy go through its life, you can work through the life and what had happened with your previous older dog. But I'll be taking a trip to the north in Washington to hike during winter break, so it will be irresponsible to get a new dog right now.

I don't feel guilty. I did a lot of things that I should have. I might change my mind if I found out that christo was actually way deep stuck in the forest, and somebody random had to grab him before the coyotes did, and he's malnourished. That would make me feel guilty that I didn't transverse the entire forest all the way down into the swamp to find him if he's still alive. But I took the physical and mental processions I had to.

What I feel bad about... Is that I don't miss taking care of him. Although I miss the presence of something in my life, since I had that dog for 7 years and my ears were tuned to hearing him walking around and seeing if he needed something... 48 hours. I'm sitting in my car after tutoring session, and I don't have to worry about rushing back home to make sure he's okay. I can go travel without having to get a dog sitter and worrying if he's all right. When he was healthier and could take care of himself and we could play more, it was a blessing. It got me through the start of a depression I was vehemently avoiding. If that Cristo was the one that went missing, I would have lost something that gave me great purpose, a collaborative partner in exercises and opportunities for travel. I would still be looking for him. But this cristo that went missing was was the much sicker / older one, the one with kidney disease and would pee a lot, so I would have to buy and activate a vacuuming and mopping robot to help me clean after him everyday. It was a guessing game on what was wrong with him, even if he was technically diagnosed. Different natural supplements would help him, and others wouldn't. At most, christo helps me understand more medical knowledge. He was a chore, but he was an obligation. You know how they talk in marriage during their vows about being and taking care of someone through sickness and in health? That was me with Crystal. But now that he's gone... I don't think I want him back. I may become sad again, but that's because I enjoy something consistent. There's already so many types of things that I do like tutoring, studying, side hustles, side gigs, the random drama of people in general... Sometimes, people start families, have spouses / relationships, have something consistent to keep them going. That was a dog to me. Like having a child. But Cristo Have you come more of a chore, and I'm hoping he doesn't come back, because then I'll have to slow down my life again. I can't pursue that doctorate very easily outside of this town. I'm excited because now I'm free. But if Cristo understood English and heard me say that, he would feel bad. Maybe he would run away.

I'm conflicted because I lost something that was mine, something that looked forward to me coming home. Pets are sometimes like confident boosters. They look forward to you. You were needed, and thus, you are important. Even when crazy things are happening at work, you know that at least something back at home that you go back to consistently needs you and depends on you. You cannot be too afraid of having responsibility because time is of the essence. You have to take care of this thing now, whatever it takes. You establish principles and guidelines that you cannot break too much. You become more disciplined. That's why people change when they become parents sometimes. It's another life at stake, it's not just yours. I'M CONFLICTED BECAUSE THIS IS MY CHANCE TO GO BACK TO WHO I USED TO BE AND WANTED TO BE, AND THAT'S FREE AND NOT TUGGED DOWN. Not caring for another animal, so not caring for others either. It's easier to apply one overarching principle at a time. When I took care of an animal, I cared for others. When I'm not taking care of an animal, I don't care for others. It really and truly is an unregrettably is my preferred policy in life. And I'm already reverting. I don't regret it. I don't regret it.

I used to think I treat humans and animals differently... That I see animals as innocent. Humans have a lot of power, and with power, they can change their situation. Humans also abuse other animals. But now that this is happened, I realized I don't see animals that much differently than I treat humans.

That's my update for you in the Laughbutts Tribune. I of course would update you if Cristo can be found. But I do not want to hope and look at that pet door forever hoping it will flap and Cristo will pop up on his own, wearing a sombrero and holding a suitcase because he went on a trip to get the best Mexican food he can find. If he did, he better have brought some home.

Thank you for the favs

Some advice from old people! I am ageist: older people do have more street cred than younger people, even when they are wrong.

Also, something you might appreciate: a frog!:

^ I tried to send this to people, and they do not reply. I HOPE YOU WILL APPRECIATE THE FROG.

I haven't been feeling so great...Cristo is having incontinence issues. He is 16 years old. He is blind. But his coat is healthy and he likes to play when he has energy. I read a blog on putting down a rat terrier. They put their rat terrier down at the age of 11 because that dog when blnd, deaf, and started to pee on itself. They are the old type of family. They cried and gave the dog the best day they could, dug its grave at a tree, and the brother shot it with a gun while the family looked away. I thought "Well, good thing Cristo does not urinate in his sleep like their dog (that is the main difference between the symptoms their dog had from mine)."

Well, that same day, today, Cristo did pee in his sleep. I sleep on the floor futon with him. Before, he was peeing on the vinyl floor because he could not make it out the pet door in time. But this time, he woke up, walked around weird, and i saw the bed wet. So I put up my other elevated bed and sprayed vinegar and baking soda water on the stain and moved him to his dog bed. I just don't feel good about it. He had this issue a long time ago when he was 11, but that was because he had a UTI after being moved to an unsanitary basement (at the time, a lot of work needed to be done to fix up this basement. 3 years later, and I do feel it is much better). I smelled his pee now; it does not smell as smelly as the UTI. This could just be an old bladder and kidney issue... I have a vet appointment for him scheduled for this Friday.

I want to get a vet science education at the local community college. That is why I am taking classes there right now, to get my perquisites out of the way for the vet science program. I think I will always have an animal on me. If cristo dies (I would rather not euthanize unless I have to. I would rather he DIE at home. And would have done everything I could. Not give up by euthanizing. Sorry, but that is what it is. You made the decision for your own animal, who cannot give consent, to end its life. You do that to a human, and it would be considered cruel. Humans wait so long to pull life support on someone who is usually a vegetable. People give up on dogs that otherwise are able and ready but need help and pee on themselves. I know people do it for convenience. *sigh*

I know there's only so much we can do sometimes. But I am damn going to do as much as I can.